I'm Worried I Don't Love My Daughter Longridge

"I'm worried that I don't love my daughter. She is three and a half, and was born when I was nearly 40, at a time when my husband and I were actually separated. She is a large part of the reason that we are back together again, which is great, but I'm just not a natural mother. "I get really impatient with her, and I just don't seem to feel the overwhelming love for her that my husband does. I feel protective towards her, but I don't seem to get gooey over her and fret about her going to school or stuff like that. She's a very bright, lively little girl, very cheeky, but I just don't seem to enjoy my time with her in the way everyone else enjoys their kids. How can I change the way I feel?"

Anna says: Your feelings for your daughter are not unusual. Not every woman mothers in the same way, and so will not therefore experience the same maternal stirrings. Some parents feel a particularly strong bond when their child is just months old, others experience the pangs as the child grows older and starts talking and interacting, and many parents don’t feel overwhelming love until they start accepting the child as their own being, once they have started school. Beating yourself up about the fact that you’re not being/feeling/acting in a way that you think you should really isn’t what you should be doing.

Instead try shifting your focus so that you begin thinking about ways that YOU would enjoy your time with your daughter. So, if you’re not naturally a mum who wants to spend hours playing with glitter glue and poster paint, start introducing ways of exploring new experiences with your child. That way you are getting as much enjoyment out of the exchange as your daughter is, and she will be broadening her personal experiences. Go for walks in the countryside, eat cake in a tea shop, take her to the theatre etc. Just because she is still an infant it doesn’t mean that her experiences are limited to what other parents do with their children. Enjoy your moments with your daughter by allowing your inner child to play and by ensuring that you are enjoying the experience too.

Useful links
dayoutwiththekids.co.uk
Wondertime - understanding kids, inspiring parents
101 activities to do with toddlers

Anna Martin is a qualified life coach and also an experienced listener to people's problems. If you would like a confidential consultation on personal coaching, you can contact her at mylifesupport.com .

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